One of the most common reasons I hear people continue to diet—regardless of how miserable or ineffective their efforts—is: 

“But I’ll never find [romantic partnership] at this weight.”

Here are a few things to think about when you find yourself running this thought loop…

#1. People date, have sex, and get married at ALL sizes along the weight spectrum. 

While fatphobia in the world of dating and romance certainly exists (more on this in a moment), that is not the same thing as “no one” wanting to date you or “never” being able to find love at your size.

People are attracted to all different types of humans (including medium, plus-sized and super plus folks), so let’s start this discussion with accuracy and change the script to:

“some people may not want to date me–because of their fatphobia or any number of other reasons—but ‘some people’ is not the same thing as “all people.”

#2. Assuming that some people will love and accept you in your natural, authentic body type—and others will not—who would you rather enter into a long-term romantic partnership with? 

The person who likes you for who you are? Or the person you have to diet, self-harm and otherwise suppress your true nature for? 

In other words,

do you really want to be in a primary relationship with someone for whom dieting is a requirement?

How much emotional safety and intimacy can you truly experience with someone who cannot—or will not—accept and love you in your own authentic body?

What happens if you gain weight for unforeseen reasons? Or gain the weight back after dieting—which is a near certainty for most—what happens then?

Is dieting really the best strategy for finding true love? Or is it a strategy for finding someone you can’t be your full self with?

As my friend Virgie Tovar once said to me,

“more options does not equal better options.”

Now, if you’re in the *very* difficult situation of already being in a committed relationship with someone who asks you to lose weight for them, or body shames you on a regular basis (which I do not recommend opting into by choice),

GIRL…I FEEL FOR YOU.

Your partner’s fatphobia is NOT your fault.

Dealing with intra-partnership fatphobia is sticky, challenging, and complicated…a situation that realistically may require intervention by a trusted coach or therapist. There is no one-size fits all answer in this situation, so be sure to reach out to someone who can talk you through your options for addressing this highly complex issue.

#3. Lastly, remember that our relationships are not fully in our control no matter what we weigh or what we do. 

While fatphobia may certainly be a reality of our world—thinness is NOT a guarantee of relationship safety or satisfaction.

If you find yourself falling prey to the idea that “everything would be okay” in my love life if I just lost weight—remember, that no body size is immune to heart ache, loneliness, or loss.

At a certain point, we need to surrender to the uncertainty of life and ground down into the safety that only connection with ourselves (or something greater than ourselves) can provide.

On that note, I hope this post was helpful and that I’ve inspired you to think differently about the kind of love you really want this Valentine’s Day…

love that requires you to be someone you’re not and/or compromise your sanity around food?

OR

love that accepts you for who you really are…love that you can securely be yourself in?

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